just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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