1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!