ooooooooooooo i'm drink
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.