do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
