cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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