My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
