when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
