wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
She's just so happy...and so naked.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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