My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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