Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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