Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
