my vag is so smooth its legendary
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
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he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
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If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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