I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
