You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
