im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i now understand why vodka
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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