Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
