We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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