we're chasing vodka with high fives
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
