My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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