you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
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Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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