found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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