Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
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If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
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I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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