I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
