Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
