doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
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the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
not ubering you a puppy
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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