This is not my ceiling
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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