i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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