i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
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