I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
