I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
