We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
