You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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