just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
