I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize