There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
