I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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