what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
