i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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