Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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