Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
