how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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