Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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