i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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