So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
