Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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