I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
