I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
