just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
