Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
