Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
