One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
BRING THE BAGELS
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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