I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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