I could make wine with my vomit
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
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I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
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Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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