I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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