the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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