why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
